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It strikes me that even I have to ask the question. Why in the world did I join Hiyas sa Kadayawan?

Since graduation, I have been constantly carrying that sense of urgency to "make things happen" in my life. My original plan was to go to China. That didn't follow through. Then came my work designation in Davao.

Before, the perennial question was "Why Davao?" I had just graduated from ADMU for God's sake! I'm not even the type who cries at night due to homesickness. I enjoyed living on my own and having the liberty to spend time as I pleased. And the oddest/coolest thing about it is I never allowed my liberties to get the better of me. I graduated with good grades. And yet none would dare say I was a book-lugging nerd who had no social life. I consider that an accomplishment in itself.

Life in Manila was so fast-paced in contrast to the very laid-back environment here in Davao. After one month of staying here, I got extremely bored and depressed. Furthermore, I had to live in my grandmother's house in Buhangin where people expected me to be as sweet, shy and obedient as the day I set foot on that plane to Manila in May 2001. Little did they know that four years of college would change me--add a little spice and confidence. I got out of my shell. I learned how to assert myself. It was survival instinct in the big city. Be the predator lest you become the prey. And still I managed to stay within the category of "good girl" or worse--"goody two shoes" (like my sister would call me).

I come home with a sense of accomplishment, expecting to be treated like an adult. What I get is a barrage of empty promises coupled with sermons of the way I should be living my life. Hello! I'd lived my life without anyone telling me that I should get into the honor roll and still I get into the honor roll (out of my own initiative). I'd been a full academic scholar from junior year of high school until I finally graduated from college--out of my own hard work and initiative. I even graduate with honors. Who are these people to tell me that I am not on the right track? Who are these people to tell me that I cannot make good decisions on my own? Who are these people to think that they can make decisions for me? I'd lived my life doing what I thought, and still think, is RIGHT and GOOD. And I don't even get to be treated like an adult! Sometimes, it just wears me out and makes me wish I were more mediocre or less behaved at the onset. That way, people would not be led to think that they can easily control me. They would be resigned to the fact that I am a free spirit that cannot be reigned in. But the reality remains that I live within restrictions that are self-imposed and it's not hard for me to do so because I myself believe that there are certain rules and principles that one ought to follow in life.

It's not hard to understand when parents or persons of authority try to control those who tend to be rebellious--but to attempt to control those who are already in control?! It's just plain counterproductive. In my case, I am a generally good person but my patience has limits. After graduation is just the time that I wanna let my hair down and be who I really want to be.

After everything. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you know how I should live my life. Tell me I should be better. Tell me I should be more responsible. Tell me I should strike when the iron is hot. Tell me that the world is small and this is probably the best thing life will ever have to offer me.

Chances are I will go against you. Chances are I will go out at night and come home early the following morning. Chances are I will wake up late. Chances are I will do what never before appeared in your wildest dreams. And chances are I will have fun doing all these things and proving you wrong. But NEVER once assume that I do not know what I am doing.

Give me a life. Give me a chance to be who I want to be. Give me a chance to do what I want to do. Never mind if it will hurt me. Let me make mistakes. I will learn--like I always have.

So why am I joining Hiyas sa Kadayawan? Besides the fact that people have been urging me to join Mutya since high school; besides the fact that it'll be a good experience for me; besides the fact that it will definitely help develop me as a person in terms of confidence, public relations, and stress managment; and besides the fact that I'm at the peak of my youth and never again will I ever have the "K" to join such competitions? Ultimately, I am joining Hiyas because it it is my way of cutting myself some slack, of giving myself a chance to do something not because I have to but because I want to. Thus I proceed, knowing that I still come out a winner, with or without the crown.

 

Throughout my entire existence, I don't remember cursing anybody save for those filthy cab drivers and the worst I can manage to utter are "hoy", "shit" and "gago".

That's why it really struck a nerve when my own younger flesh and blood cursed me "putang ina". At first, I cried. I was shocked.

I have no idea where some people pick up such profanities. I can deal with such foul language amongst peers although I have to admit that it took me a lot of time getting used to it. But to hear that from someone whom I care so deeply for--and directed at me--was terrible. Terrible.

It's a sign of disrespect. I was spoken to in the same manner that one would speak to dirty cab drivers.

And as much as the common addage goes "talk is cheap", some words just inflict pain that doesn't go away that easily. It's easy to get past irritations and annoyances, but disrespect?

Since I am no war freak, expect silence.